may 2021: what I’m learning and loving

I saw a meme somewhere that called May “Maycember” as in May is just as nutty as December, and it made me feel seen. May always seems full and fast, which is where this monthly ritual helps me look back and slow down – even if I’m already halfway through the following month.

What I’m loving

Summer schedule. We get an extra hour of sleep during the summer and, even sleeping in, I get up before the kids to enjoy some quiet or a sit or a walk. I LOVE IT.

Wendell. Roxy was a great dog – and she wasn’t much of a snuggler. Wendell loves to snuggle, and I love him for it. 

Braiding Sweetgrass. I thought I read this book when Maeve was first born, but either I did and her babyhood erased my memory of it, or I didn’t finish it because I didn’t remember how absolutely stunning it is. For years, I’ve said when asked that my favorite book is Jayber Crow, but I think now I’ll have to say that my favorite non-fiction is Braiding Sweetgrass and Jayber is my favorite novel. BS is just so, so good. It is must reading for everybody.

Restorative yoga. I’ve been teaching a seasonal restorative yoga practice on Fridays for the last several months (join me virtually or at Shine at noon on Fridays!), and since I’ve been teaching it more, I’ve been practicing it more lately too. I think we all desperately need more quiet practices, whether its seated meditation, getting outside without headphones, or trying a yin or restorative yoga practice. Our nervous systems, especially after the last year+, are either burnt out or on their way there. The quiet practices are the way we put the brakes on the sympathetic response and get all of our maintenance functions back online.

So many of us need to set aside time and space for recovery before we even think about good rest. The more I carve out time for recovery (for me, that means restorative or yin yoga, yoga nidra, seated and walking meditation, and journaling), the better quality sleep I am able to get, and the more like myself I feel.

What I’m learning

Let people love you. In May, I turned 40. I celebrated by walking 40km and asked friends and family to sign up to join me either physically or via phone. It was a beautiful day (recap in my stories if you want to watch along), and it felt so good to have so many people join me, to have meaningful conversations, and to be outside on a perfect day. Then that evening, Grant and my parents had planned a small surprise party. I really don’t know how he pulled it off, but I had no clue. It was just a whole day of friends and family telling me what they loved and appreciated about me, and instead of downplaying any of it, I tried to savor every bit of it. I want to spend far more time savoring in the next 40 years, so my birthday was good practice.

Nature loves us. Because I’m obsessing over Braiding Sweetgrass as mentioned above, I’ve been listening to lots of interviews with the author, Robin Wall Kimmerer. This was my favorite so far. In the book and interview, she talks about her realization that Mother Earth loves us. Her reasoning is that if we looked at Kimmerer’s relationship with her daughters, we would see how she provides and cares for them as evidence of her love for them.

In the same way, we can see how the Earth provides so much for us – for our own survival, of course, but for our joy and thriving too. Kimmerer writes, “Knowing that you love the earth changes you, activates you to defend and protect and celebrate. But when you feel that the earth loves you in return, that feeling transforms the relationship from a one-way street into a sacred bond.” Seeing my love for nature as a two-way street in which I’m loved, supported, and enjoyed in return has quite literally opened my eyes to a whole new way of being.

Kindness isn’t complicated. This is a play off of this newsletter, but I just have been realizing over the last month how simple and mostly effortless it is to do the kind thing. Many of us are struggling right now. A little vulnerability and reassurance on our part (which doesn’t cost us much, by the way) goes an looong way anytime, but especially right now, I think.

You go to someone house for dinner? Send them a text the next day complementing the meal and thanking them for a fun time. 

A friend is struggling with work? Send them a text checking in that you’re thinking about them.

A new friend shares something vulnerable with you? Tell them you appreciate the trust they have in you.

We’re making friendship harder than it has to be. I feel like I’ve been reading, listening to, and participating in so many conversations about how hard adult friendships are lately. While I don’t disagree, I also think that we may have too high of expectations around friendships as we get older. Brené says that if you have two to three people with whom you can be completely vulnerable, that is about all that most of us adults have the energy for. Vulnerability requires a ton of trust and energy. With all of the adulting most of us are doing, we simply don’t have enough time and energy to spread out that vulnerability and trust to more than a handful of people. For some of us, because of our personalities, that handful might be ten people. For others, that handful might be two. BOTH OF WHICH ARE TOTALLY NORMAL BECAUSE WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT.

In addition, as we get older, we make friends for different reasons. I’m acquaintances with a few of Jazzy’s soccer and basketball parents because I hang out with them a lot during the season, but I probably wouldn’t call them if real trouble hit. I’m still close with several longtime high school and college friends even if we don’t see each other as much as I would like and don’t know much about each other’s day-to-day lives. I have a few very good friends that I’ve met over the last few years because of our kids that have evolved into truly authentic, once-in-a-lifetime relationships. It’s totally normal that that last category only contains a few people. 

But we compare ourselves to others (or let’s be honest, other’s social media highlight reels) or to our past nineteen year-old selves that had sixteen “good” friends (because our entire lives revolved around our friends). And then beat ourselves up about our friendship situation. The pandemic has been so clarifying for my friendships, and I’m grateful because I want to spend my time and energy on the relationships worthy of my time and energy. Also, like so many other things, there are seasons where its easier to make and find friends, and seasons when it’s more difficult. When we accept that as a part of life, we have more freedom to appreciate the relationships that we do have and are more open to those that might come along.