38 things I’ve learned in 38 years

Today is my 38th birthday, so I am celebrating by recording a few things I’ve learned so far:

1. Err on the side of kindness and compassion. Always.
2. My favorite activities/passions are those things that I’ll never be an expert in – things that the more I learn about them, the more I realize that there is so much more to learn. For example: cooking, gardening, prayer and contemplation, faith, yoga, movement, nature. So-called expertise sounds kinda boring anyway.
3. Books and good food are always worth spending money on.
4. Nothing cures a bad day like a walk in the woods or a visit to the library.
5. Everything is connected. My healing is wrapped up in everybody – and everything – else’s. This includes all of nature of course, which should be especially concerning as climate change speeds up. This also means that every act of care and kindness, no matter how small, matters immensely. The converse is also true too, of course.
6. My calendar and my budget demonstrate my values better than all of the words I spill about them.
7. Get outside everyday, especially on the “bad weather” days. The list of benefits that nature provide us is longer than all of the world’s best and most expensive drugs. And yet, most of us spend our days inside ignoring the healing she offers.
8. Busy is a choice. I don’t tell people I’m busy when they ask me how I’m doing because even if I am busy that week, it’s because I signed myself (or my kids) up for the things that are keeping me busy. If I don’t like it, I should do something to change it.
9. I am not you, and you are not me. (Although, I admittedly have to remind myself of this one at least 23 times a day).
10. Marriage is the best adventure, at least when you land with someone willing to grow with you. Parenting is the second best adventure.
11. The world, especially the American one, wants to tell us that resources, careers, ideas, etc. are scarce, but that is a lie. We need your story, your creation, your business. It will be unique because its yours. Our world is one of abundance, and the sooner we all wake up to that, the more likely we’ll be able to enjoy it instead of worrying about out-competing somebody else.
12. How we spend our money is just as important as how we choose to give it away. We’re creating the kind of world we want to live in with every dollar we spend (or don’t!). Choose wisely and thoughtfully.
13. There is no better gift to give something than the gift of your undivided presence and attention.
14. I will (almost) never regret going to bed early. This took a long time for this Enneagram 7 to learn; hence, the “almost” I sneaked in there.
15. No one really knows what they’re doing. We’re all just doing our best.
16. There is no there there. We all walk around acting like if we just get or do that next thing, then we’ll have arrived, but there is no arrival. The quicker we can figure out that “what we need is here,” as Wendell (Berry) says, the better off we’ll be. I do think this was what Jesus was talking about when he kept trying to tell us that the Kingdom of God was already here.
17. We’re meant to live more in tune with the seasons, and so much of our brokenness (individually and collectively) can be traced back to how out of touch we are with nature, her rhythms, and her wisdom.
18. Every body is literally different. This means that YOU – and only you – have to figure out what is best for you. This goes for everything: how we eat, move, rest, socialize, worship, parent, travel, everything. Again: I am not you, and you are not me.
19. I don’t trust people who use disposable water bottles. (I know that mostly flies in the face of #17, but whatever, I’m also getting more comfortable with my contradictions, especially when it comes to the planet.)
20. Church is messy and beautiful, just like us, and committing to a specific (small!) community in a specific place is one of the best things we’ve done for our own and our family’s growth.
21. Knowing and loving your place is a quintessential part of living the good life.
22. Life is about growing and evolving, going through seasons of death and rebirth. Nature shows us that every year. Why wouldn’t I assume that my own life and relationships are the same way? Some relationships are meant for the long haul and others aren’t. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with those shorter-term relationships; it just makes them different.
23. Being a parent is the hardest and the best thing.
24. Things that are always better homemade/worth making yourself: spaghetti sauce, sourdough, salad dressing, sauerkraut, stock, ice cream, any kind of soup. Things that are not: hamburger buns, cream cheese, and ketchup.   
25. Boundaries and habit-keeping are really important parts of adulting that I keep having to relearn. I’m hoping my list at 40 has some tips for my 38 year-old self in this department.
26. Cooking for my people is an act of love both for them and for myself.
27. My parents balanced the wings and roots things really well. I think it was their greatest gift to me, and I hope we’re walking the same tight-rope with Jasper and Maeve.
28. If you don’t have love and compassion for yourself, you can’t really have it for anyone or anything else.
29. The garden is my best and favorite teacher.
30. In looking back on it, marrying Grant was the biggest and most consequential decision of my life. Even though we dated FOR-E-VER, I don’t know that I thought about the “right” questions to ask of him and us back when he proposed. I think we just kinda lucked out finding each other. I think most of life’s big decisions are more like that versus thinking through every possible scenario and making a million pros/cons lists. Listen to your inner voice, and just go with it. It probably won’t end up exactly as you planned, and that is the fun of the whole thing.
31. I’m just beginning to scratch the surface of my own privilege, and I have a long way to go. Owning my own privilege doesn’t mean I haven’t worked hard for the success I’ve had; it just makes me more aware of the many ways in which I’ve benefited from what I maybe used to consider “normal.” This matters to me because, as I said at the top, my healing is wrapped up with everybody else’s.
32. Asking better questions makes you a better human being. Grant asks really good questions. I learned this one from him.
33. Being more comfortable with not knowing is a really hard and really necessary part of growing up.
34. The older I get, the more of a homebody I become. And the more comfortable with that I am.
35. I think all of the great faith traditions boil down to growing in your practice of gratitude, presence, and humility.
36. Americans overvalue work. Not getting sucked into that vortex makes you wise, even if it occasionally means you feel weird and different.
37. If we don’t deal with our issues, they’ll deal with us. This applies personally of course, but also culturally. See #metoo, racism, patriarchy, white supremacy, gun control, environmental degradation, and the list goes on and on.
38. Max out your 401(k)  if/when you first get one and then just pretend that it doesn’t exist. (Grant adds: keep it well diversified and don’t touch it until retirement).