lessons from 2018: talk kindly to yourself
Instead of lumping all of my end-of-the-year lessons into one “what I’m learning” post, I decided to break it down into a few overriding lessons from 2018. Stay tuned for the rest…
Our self-talk is not benign. Earlier this year, I decided to stop engaging in negative self-talk. When I made this decision, I thought it would basically be something between me and my mirror to be honest, trying to catch myself from that internal negative self-chatter. But once I started noticing how I talk to and about myself, I realized that my inner critic is quite chatty about many more things than just how I look in the mirror.
What has been most surprising to me is how often we engage in this kind of talk with others, which became really obvious once I stopped participating in it. I notice it more with women, not surprisingly, but the men in my life do it too. And, it makes people uncomfortable when you don’t chime in. It’s like a milder version of that Amy Shumer video that went viral a few years ago.
Like anything, the first step is noticing the pattern. I feel like I’m mostly still in this first step even after months of really intentionally noticing when negative self-talk pops up.
Once I notice the negativity popping up, I practice what yogis call pratipaksha bhavana, which is loosely translated from the Sanskrit as the “mindfulness of opposites” (lots more helpful details here if you’re interested in delving deeper). I practice this by replacing the negative thought with a positive one, but I try to be thoughtful about this so that it isn’t just fluffy positive thinking without any teeth to it.
So for example:
| The Thought | The Replacement Thought |
| My tummy looks flabby in this. | I am thankful for how my core works to keep me stable and upright. |
| I was so unproductive today. | My body obviously needed some rest, and I honored what my body needed. |
| I lost my temper with the kids again. | On the whole of the day, my kids know they are loved. I will ask their forgiveness for my behavior and move on, just as I hope they will do when they mess up. |
| I wish I were as organized/pretty/fit/bubbly (you know your own comparison poison) as [fill-in-the-blank]. | I appreciate my own unique gifts and recognize the unique gifts of others. |
This practice has been, quite frankly, life changing, and I feel like I’m just at the beginning of seeing its benefits. For more on the enormous benefits of practicing self-compassion, check out this book or Dr. Neff’s TED Talk.
I dare you to put “talking kindly to yourself” on your 2019 to do list and see what happens!
